A Hitch on Partnering: Becoming the Partner You Wanna Be
Methods to Develop Empathy in Relationships - Insights from a Psychologist
Not everybody is blessed with a partner who genuinely cares, selflessly compromises, and tenderly comforts them in moments of weakness. Often, this is due to unrealistic expectations and a lack of understanding of what our partners truly deserve.
Empathy, the magical power that allows us to truly understand our partners, feel their emotions, and be their rock in tough times, is the foundation of a connection that often transcends words. It's the secret sauce to indestructible partnerships.
In an influential study from the 80s, psychologist Mark H. Davis unraveled the concept of empathy into four unique and intriguing types. These aren’t just buzzwords — they’re practical tools that, when used intentionally, can transform the way you connect with your partner.
Here's the lowdown on these empathy types, along with a few practical tips to get started.
1. Perspective-Taking: Seeing Things through Them Goggles
Perspective-taking is the ability to look at things from another person's vantage point, understanding their thoughts, and grappling with their feelings, all without getting emotionally entangled.
According to a study from 2016 published in Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, taking your partner's perspective can help resolve conflicts more gracefully by strengthening the emotional and physical connection between you two.
Here are some tactics to employ this method and deepen your empathy:
- During disagreements, take a moment to contemplate their perspective, asking yourself "Would I feel the same if I were them?"
- Try active listening techniques such as paraphrasing, validating, and reflecting their words to ensure they feel heard and understood.
- Consider how they might be impacted by the decisions you make together.
By embracing this perspective-taking, you can turn conflicts into growth opportunities and intensify the emotional bond with your partner.
2. Fantasy Empathy: When Books and Movies Make You Feel Things
Empathy from fictional characters? It sounds unrelated to real-life connections, but it plays a role in enhancing our emotional responses towards our partners. Fantasy empathy is the ability to deeply connect with characters in books, movies, or stories, embracing their experiences and emotions.
A 2014 study published in Self and Identity reports that fictional characters can foster personal growth by exposing us to new perspectives and ideas, just like interpersonal relationships. We establish the strongest connections with characters that mirror our own selves, but it's through those who embody our future selves that we undergo transformation.
Here are two not-so-conventional techniques to utilize this influence in your relationship:
- Spice up intimacy with roleplay. Exploring different personas can make things exciting and help you better understand each other's hidden desires and thoughts.
- Share stories and discuss the impactful books and movies you've experienced together. These discussions can create deeper conversations and help you understand your partner's thoughts and feelings.
By embracing the power of fantasy in your relationship, you add an element of creativity and emotional depth, enriching your connection.
3. Empathic Concern: Caring and Compassion
Empathic concern highlights the importance of genuinely caring about your partner and offering support in times of distress. It's crucial in moments of pain and struggle, such as the loss of a loved one, job loss, health issues, or emotional distress. Providing emotional support involves both truly understanding your partner's emotions and genuinely caring about them.
Here are some methods to show more empathic concern and support in your relationship:
- Offer words of comfort like "I'm here for you" and "I understand that’s hard for you".
- Provide physical comfort, such as hugs or holding hands, if they're receptive, to show your support.
- Take action to ease their burdens-help with tasks, make a meal, or simply be there with them without necessarily trying to fix their problems.
By offering these acts of empathy, you create a safe space for your partner to feel supported and loved, especially in their darkest moments.
4. Managing Personal Distress: Emotional Sustainability
Personal distress is the emotional response that occurs when your partner’s suffering triggers your own anxiety or overwhelm. Caring too much about your partner's pain can lead to emotional burnout. To maintain empathy levels and ensure you're able to support your partner in the long run, it's essential to manage your personal distress.
Here are a few tips to establish "empathetic abundance":
- Take a step back and acknowledge your own emotional response. Remember that it’s possible to care deeply without internalizing your partner's struggles.
- Communicate your emotional limits to your partner, letting them know when you need space.
- Prioritize your self-care routine to recharge, whether it's through exercise, journaling, or connecting with friends.
Empathy is the pulsating heartbeat of every meaningful relationship. By intentionally cultivating different types of empathy, you create a partnership where both partners feel truly acknowledged, seen, and valued, knowing that they'll always have each other's unwavering support.
Testing your empathic abilities: Affective Empathy Scale
- During collective moments of conflict, employ active listening techniques with your partner to validate their feelings and ensure they feel understood, as mentioned in the study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
- Paraphrase their words to demonstrate comprehension.
- Show empathy by empathic concern, offering comforting words like "I'm here for you."
- Inspire creativity and an emotional connection with your partner by sharing stories about impactful books, movies, or experiences and engaging in roleplay.
- Explore different personas together through roleplay to better understand each other's hidden desires and thoughts.
- Discuss the explorations and perceptions derived from books, movies, or stories shared.
- Establish healthy routines that prioritize self-care and emotional sustainability to manage personal distress and avoid emotional burnout.
- Create a self-care routine that recharges your emotional wellbeing.
- Communicate openly about emotional limits to maintain empathic ability and ensure long-term support for your partner.
- Employ self-care activities to handle difficult emotions or detach emotionally when necessary.
